Mrs. Jansonius - OES Counselor: Monthly Article

Diffusing Anger

by Sheila Jansonius

October 01, 2007

DIFFUSING ANGER

Arguing breeds arguing

When there is a disagreement between you and your child, arguing about it is futile. Arguing only leads to more discontent and anger. Each party feels that he/she is right and each party wants to win. Since nobody wins as long as the arguing continues, it is important to find ways to stop the arguing and settle the conflict.

Understand and question

You can often diffuse anger by finding some way to sound as if you understand the problem. A statement like, “I agree that it seems unfair to you,” often works. This statement does not say that you agree with the child's opinion, only that you understand why he/she feels your decision is unjust.

A second statement that raises a question is designed to make the child think. For example, “I agree that this seems unfair to you. What do you think we can do about it?” promotes thinking, rather than lashing out. The use of the word we signals the child that you are going to help him/her find a solution.

Stop the argument before it begins

Of course, it is better to avoid getting into an argument in the first place. To do this, you must remember several things. Never argue with a child over something you want him/her to do. Arguing about a task or behavior encourages the child to rationalize and defend his/her behavior. Simply tell the child what is to be done. If he/she chooses not to comply, apply a consequence. Parents who know they are in charge do not show displeasure. They feel secure in the requests they make and don't worry if their directions are not followed.

Remain calm

When children approach you in an angry fashion, remain calm. If the child is angry at another person, listen but do not try to solve the problem. If the child is angry at you, say, “When you calm down and are ready to talk about this sensibly, I am ready to discuss it.” If the child is unable to calm down, ignore the behavior by walking away or going back to what you were doing. Do not continue to talk to the child. Say nothing more.